What Did Your Second Grade Teacher Do to You?

THINGS YOUR 2ND GRADE TEACHER WAS WRONG ABOUT

I swear this is what my 7th grade math teacher looked like.

For years now, I've heard people espouse the teachings of their 2nd grade pedants as if they were indisputable facts. They use these poor women like Republicans use Ayn Rand and Jesus Christ, picking out things they heard years ago to make a point that puts all arguments to rest.

For example: "When I was in 2nd grade, my teacher taught us about life cycles and global warming and cooling cycles; therefore, humans don't cause global warming/climate change."

Yes, the planet has gone through periods of climactic change and even polar change(!), but the rate at which the planet is heating  coincides with the rise of the industrial age, the population of human beings, and the decline of other species and forests.

Another example: "My 2nd grade teacher pointed at her incisors and told us that our canine teeth are for ripping and tearing flesh."

Yes, we can rip a lot with those teeth of ours, but most predators have a whole face of conical teeth, and we only have these little guys. They're mostly for defense like gorilla's teeth. A gorilla can do a lot of damage with their teeth, and so can we, but try biting into a live cow and see how far you get.

He's pretty much vegan.

Here's one I like: "My 2nd grade teacher taught us we were all unique, special, and that our opinions matter."

Yes, we're unique. But you can look around and tell we're not special, there are billions of us. And we're getting to the point where we aren't that unique. There's probably someone out there with your identical DNA, and in an infinite universe, there's definitely someone who has experienced your identical life and is reading this right now. It's a mathematical certainty. Your opinion matters on election day, and that's about it. If your opinion isn't based on fact, experience, and logic, it's invalid.

2nd-grade teachers are not the ones to blame here; they're doing the best they can. My teacher taught me that the brontosaurus was a real dinosaur, that Pluto was a real planet, and Jesus was a real guy watching my every move. She taught me Christopher Columbus was a real hero, that cow's milk was really good for me, and that my artistic talent was really a burden. She didn't know what to do with me; she probably just hoped she wouldn't screw me up too much and I'd figure it out as I got older—that I might evolve.

When you quote something from your 2nd grade teacher, you're saying "I'm tired of evolving. I stopped evolving a long time ago."

I've known people who said they hate other races because it was the way they were raised. You might as well be saying "I will neither learn new things nor grow as a human being."

I say EVOLVE! Take the time to learn about someone and end up loving them. 

And if you want to say something about your 2nd grade teacher, say "she was a nice lady who tried her best with a young mind."

Rolling Stones Sympathy for the Devil Cover

HERE'S WHERE I RUIN THAT ROLLING STONES SONG EVERYONE LIKES

I've always thought this was a sad song. The narrator describes himself as a man of wealth and taste. Then he gets to murdering Jesus, the Czar and his ministers, little Anastasia, everyone the Nazi's killed, countless armies via kings and queens, the Kennedy's, the poets on their way to Bombay, and then he threatens the listeners if they don't show him some courtesy and sympathy or aren't polite enough.

And my favorite part of this song is that Lucifer, in the middle of the song repeats his assertion that he's a man of wealth and taste. Sure, that works with the mechanics of a song—lots of songwriters do this to tether themselves to the beginning, or they liked the line so much they stuck it in as a hook, or they were just stuck and it got them out of a hole they'd dug. But what's great here is how much we know about this narrator. Satan comes with a lot of baggage. We already think we know all there is to know. So when he repeats himself, it's as if he's trying to convince himself after the litany of crimes we know  are evil.

But the next verse, he compares cops to criminals and saints to sinners, saying he's just one side of a coin. So, might as well call him by the name Lucifer, his pre-fall name, meaning bringer of light or morning star. Mick and Keith are really outdoing themselves here. They've obviously read some Milton and had some decent education. "I'm in need of some restraint" is his explanation as to why one should use Lucifer instead of the myriad monikers associated with this character. Knowing his name controls him to some degree, but it's also his slave name. That's the name we gave him as an angel before he rebelled.

Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell

—Macbeth 4:3

That's one of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare, and I think the Stones are riffing it a little. Here Shakes uses his knowledge of the devil's name but doesn't say it. He acknowledges that the brightest angel named for bringing light is the one who fell from heaven. And even "though all things foul will bear the brows of grace... grace must still look so."

Lucifer has to think of himself the way he does because it helps him cope with his duty to use humans to accomplish horrible deeds. And why does he need sympathy? Because he never had a choice in the matter. God preordained all of it. The Lucifer had to fall in order to be the catalyst in the Fall of Man in order for God to give his only begotten son to humanity to sacrifice for their sin.

I remember arguing with Christians about John Milton's Paradise Lost in community college. You can't help but side with the devil. He's a tool of God for the salvation of man. His sacrifice is as important as Christ's, but he resents it. He understands his place and hates God and Man for it. What's more relate-able than that? What's more Christian than that story? Christ is worshiped for his selfless sacrifice. Doesn't Lucifer deserve at least a little sympathy for his reluctant sacrifice?

Lyric Genius has a good page about this song »