What Did Your Second Grade Teacher Do to You?

THINGS YOUR 2ND GRADE TEACHER WAS WRONG ABOUT

I swear this is what my 7th grade math teacher looked like.

For years now, I've heard people espouse the teachings of their 2nd grade pedants as if they were indisputable facts. They use these poor women like Republicans use Ayn Rand and Jesus Christ, picking out things they heard years ago to make a point that puts all arguments to rest.

For example: "When I was in 2nd grade, my teacher taught us about life cycles and global warming and cooling cycles; therefore, humans don't cause global warming/climate change."

Yes, the planet has gone through periods of climactic change and even polar change(!), but the rate at which the planet is heating  coincides with the rise of the industrial age, the population of human beings, and the decline of other species and forests.

Another example: "My 2nd grade teacher pointed at her incisors and told us that our canine teeth are for ripping and tearing flesh."

Yes, we can rip a lot with those teeth of ours, but most predators have a whole face of conical teeth, and we only have these little guys. They're mostly for defense like gorilla's teeth. A gorilla can do a lot of damage with their teeth, and so can we, but try biting into a live cow and see how far you get.

He's pretty much vegan.

Here's one I like: "My 2nd grade teacher taught us we were all unique, special, and that our opinions matter."

Yes, we're unique. But you can look around and tell we're not special, there are billions of us. And we're getting to the point where we aren't that unique. There's probably someone out there with your identical DNA, and in an infinite universe, there's definitely someone who has experienced your identical life and is reading this right now. It's a mathematical certainty. Your opinion matters on election day, and that's about it. If your opinion isn't based on fact, experience, and logic, it's invalid.

2nd-grade teachers are not the ones to blame here; they're doing the best they can. My teacher taught me that the brontosaurus was a real dinosaur, that Pluto was a real planet, and Jesus was a real guy watching my every move. She taught me Christopher Columbus was a real hero, that cow's milk was really good for me, and that my artistic talent was really a burden. She didn't know what to do with me; she probably just hoped she wouldn't screw me up too much and I'd figure it out as I got older—that I might evolve.

When you quote something from your 2nd grade teacher, you're saying "I'm tired of evolving. I stopped evolving a long time ago."

I've known people who said they hate other races because it was the way they were raised. You might as well be saying "I will neither learn new things nor grow as a human being."

I say EVOLVE! Take the time to learn about someone and end up loving them. 

And if you want to say something about your 2nd grade teacher, say "she was a nice lady who tried her best with a young mind."

Homophobia at Bulleit

WHY I DON'T BUY BULLEIT BOURBON ANYMORE

I was on the Bulleit train from almost the beginning. I love their rye and their bourbon and drank them often, as I'm addicted to Manhattans for half the year, and I don't mind a Boulevardier when I'm feeling saucy. But now I've officially disembarked.

For better or worse, America went with capitalism, and the only way for that to work is for consumers to vote for the world they want with their dollars.

That's why I'll never go to a Hobby Lobby and why I haven't drunk a drop of Bulleit Bourbon for almost six months now. 

The story goes that Tom Bulleit's daughter Hollis Bulleit made the brand the powerhouse it is through dogged ambassadorship but was pushed out when her sexual orientation became public. I guess it shouldn't surprise anyone that a Kentucky-based family's patriarch is a homophobe; homophobia and racism are rampant down south unfortunately. But I don't care that I'm not surprised, and I'm not going to support a brand that I know is anti-gay.

There are other great bourbons at the same price point anyway.

There's a Slate article about how family businesses are more susceptible to such problems. It makes me think of Marxist notions to abolish the family unit. I don't understand how people spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with racist/homophobic family members. If the world is going to be a better place tomorrow, eye-rolling isn't enough; pillory your grandparents if you have to.

Diageo owns Bulleit and Johnnie Walker and countless other brands. As a consumer, it's hard to pillory Diageo. Remember when Dove was running ads about all women being beautiful while Axe was running ads about all women being sex toys? Unilever owns both brands and didn't care how anyone felt about that if you kept buying their products. That's just how branding works and why Diageo is so powerful (and also dangerous).

For now I'm drinking Buffalo Trace and Gentleman Jack, owned by Sazerac and Brown-Forman, respectively, both of whom have probably had similar issues in their histories. . . but what else am I supposed to do?

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When I was living in Virginia, my ex-in-laws were horribly racist, sexist, and homophobic. The father of the family would proudly declare himself one from time to time. When his daughter was dating a black dude Big Daddy announced his intention to "tie him to the back of his truck and drive down a dirt road." When his daughter pointed out that her father had expected her brother to marry a Chinese girl, he proclaimed "I'm a racist and a sexist."

When you talk like that you deserve to lose your brand—you're a nazi. Nazi's, contrary to Trump's view, are the enemy because they threaten peace and hinder progress toward equality.

My ex-wife often sided with her parents. That drove a rift in our relationship. It was the thing we fought about the most, and it eventually tore apart our marriage. I thought I had to tolerate it until we had the chance to move far away from her ancestral home. But when that became a real possibility, it became clear she would never be out from under their influence.

And I'll never take that train again.