What to Say to Conservatives: Lucus a non Lucendo

lükəˌsā¦nänlüˈsenˌdō
IS HOW YOU SAY MY NEW FAVORITE LATIN PHRASE

Ladies think it's sexy when you speak Latin

I have a friend that says the same thing every time Donald Trump comes up: "I read an article about the net-worths of presidents and it said that Obama made all his money because of his presidency and that Clinton was almost broke before he became president, and now he's rich, and Trump hasn't made a dime being president.

Of course it isn't true, but what does it have to do with anything? Both Dem presidents were in office for eight years and had very lucrative book deals. Both were also civil servants before taking the highest office. Also, why are we talking about this when we were just talking about Russia?!?!!?

LUCUS A NON LUCENDO!!!!

Lucus a non lucendo literally means it's not a dark grove in that it is not lighted. It's an absurd little joke because grove is called lucus only because there's no light there, but lucus looks like it's related to the word lucere (to shine). It's related to parum luceat, meaning it doesn't shine being darkened by shade.

HOW CAN I USE THIS TERM?

Well, you can use it in place of non sequitur if you want and don't mind spell check putting red lines under lucus a non lucendo. Or you can use it for any absurdity. You can use it place of bullshit and make yourself sound super smart. I think you can also use in place of oxymoron, but I can't find anything online that will tell me that's actually acceptable, but who cares? It's Latin. You can do whatever you want to do with it when speaking English.

But I'm going to scream it every time we're talking about Donald Trump and someone says "what about Hillary Clinton?"

I'm going to scream it every time someone says "All lives matter" when we're talking about Black Lives Matter

I'm going to scream it at "Fake News."

And any time someone says something about how it's snowing so there's no such thing as humans affecting the climate, I'm gonna whip it out:

Lucus a non lucendo.

Right now it's on Merriam-Webster's bottom 20% in popularity. I'm going to bring that number up!

Altered Carbon on Netflix

FINALLY A NEW SCIENCE FICTION SHOW WORTH WATCHING

Yes I know this came from a book series. And I know it's a little derivative, paying homage to Blade Runner and other Noir detective fiction. And I know it exists in a well-established genre of cyberpunk. But can't we just rejoice in the fact that Netflix pulled off something no one's done in a long time: an original sci-fi concept  pushing all the right buttons while simultaneously pushing some boundaries.

I've maintained that a good TV show is essentially beautiful people in dangerous situations wrapped up in an episodic arch that connects to a larger whole (season). Altered Carbon does this in spades. Beautiful people? Check! We've even fit some nudity in there. Violent situations? Check! We spent so much money on gore effects some of our CGI cars look a bit wonky. Story arch? CHECK! We get well-encapsulated stories that build on one another until they come to a tightly satisfying ending even your English professor would be stoked about.

There's even a scene in which a beautiful woman kills fifty naked clones of another sexy woman as they come alive attack her. It's creepy, sexy, violent, and creative.

Altered Carbon sells us a universe with as little exposition as possible and trusts its audience to go along for the ride and figure it out as we go. There are a couple clunky lines in there, but who cares? We're having fun piecing it all together. And even when the show introduces a good soldier vs. bad soldier scenario, we at least have some motives in play. And that's hugely refreshing. The terrorists might be the good guys, or they might not be; you decide! 

I still don't know why the Star Wars Empire is going around blowing up planets? Tax collection?

NO CHOSEN ONE!!! NO PROPHECY!!! They could have gone down that road for expediency, but instead they put characters and events in motion creating a protagonist worth following around. I'm so sick of Harry Potters and Luke Skywalkers and Alices and Neos ad nauseam. It's cheap story-telling, and we'll have none of it here. Instead we get women of agency and men who aren't idiots and men playing women and even a black man playing an Asian woman playing a black man. That's Shakespearean!

Music. The music is fantastic in this thing. Two stand-outs were the More Human Than Human cover by Sune Rose Wagner and A Nyughatatlan's God's Gonna Cut You Down cover. There's a Nine Inch Nails song in there for measure, too. Check out this track list!

The plot moves dexterously through some big blink-and-you'll-miss-them points but still addresses some major themes. Obligation is a big one: Familial, friend, class, state loyalties are questioned and investigated. We get to ask what mortality is, what power is, and even what God is.

In the end we get to ask my favorite sci-fi question: What is it to be human?

OK! But is there anything you hated?

Yes. I hated this stupid tattoo Takeshi and Reileen had. This tired old symbol, Ouroboros, is the most boring, lamest symbol they drag out on TV. It's a dragon biting its own tail in the shape of an infinity loop, and it's featured heavily in the opening credits sequence. I rolled my eyes every time I saw it. It reminded me of Hemlock Grove, and this is leaps and bounds better than that early Netflix attempt. It's unneeded and loud.

The ending was a little rushed, but it was satisfying and didn't leave a ton of question marks like most science fiction does. Altered Carbon also plays by the rules of its own universe. There are some Chekhov's guns in there that seem a little elastic, but that's OK; they all pan out.

Over all, it's a wonderful new show. Aren't you tired of Disney trotting out more Marvel shit to see what sticks? Aren't you just a little bit bored by Star Wars by now? Doesn't the Pacific Rim sequel look ridiculous and stupid? This breath of fresh air is worth every moment spent watching it. 

Rolling Stones Sympathy for the Devil Cover

HERE'S WHERE I RUIN THAT ROLLING STONES SONG EVERYONE LIKES

I've always thought this was a sad song. The narrator describes himself as a man of wealth and taste. Then he gets to murdering Jesus, the Czar and his ministers, little Anastasia, everyone the Nazi's killed, countless armies via kings and queens, the Kennedy's, the poets on their way to Bombay, and then he threatens the listeners if they don't show him some courtesy and sympathy or aren't polite enough.

And my favorite part of this song is that Lucifer, in the middle of the song repeats his assertion that he's a man of wealth and taste. Sure, that works with the mechanics of a song—lots of songwriters do this to tether themselves to the beginning, or they liked the line so much they stuck it in as a hook, or they were just stuck and it got them out of a hole they'd dug. But what's great here is how much we know about this narrator. Satan comes with a lot of baggage. We already think we know all there is to know. So when he repeats himself, it's as if he's trying to convince himself after the litany of crimes we know  are evil.

But the next verse, he compares cops to criminals and saints to sinners, saying he's just one side of a coin. So, might as well call him by the name Lucifer, his pre-fall name, meaning bringer of light or morning star. Mick and Keith are really outdoing themselves here. They've obviously read some Milton and had some decent education. "I'm in need of some restraint" is his explanation as to why one should use Lucifer instead of the myriad monikers associated with this character. Knowing his name controls him to some degree, but it's also his slave name. That's the name we gave him as an angel before he rebelled.

Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell

—Macbeth 4:3

That's one of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare, and I think the Stones are riffing it a little. Here Shakes uses his knowledge of the devil's name but doesn't say it. He acknowledges that the brightest angel named for bringing light is the one who fell from heaven. And even "though all things foul will bear the brows of grace... grace must still look so."

Lucifer has to think of himself the way he does because it helps him cope with his duty to use humans to accomplish horrible deeds. And why does he need sympathy? Because he never had a choice in the matter. God preordained all of it. The Lucifer had to fall in order to be the catalyst in the Fall of Man in order for God to give his only begotten son to humanity to sacrifice for their sin.

I remember arguing with Christians about John Milton's Paradise Lost in community college. You can't help but side with the devil. He's a tool of God for the salvation of man. His sacrifice is as important as Christ's, but he resents it. He understands his place and hates God and Man for it. What's more relate-able than that? What's more Christian than that story? Christ is worshiped for his selfless sacrifice. Doesn't Lucifer deserve at least a little sympathy for his reluctant sacrifice?

Lyric Genius has a good page about this song »

Have You Read Live Nude Girls?

LIVE NUDE GIRLS

Hope might be a trap. It might be what keeps us all going, but it might destroy you. Or it might just be what gets you on Oprah.

Kevin Postupack wrote this incredible novel ostensibly about a bisexual stripper with an overactive mind and who's maybe too much of an autodidact. She's a voracious reader with ADHD and an extreme imagination. But what the novel's really about is identity.

What's in a name?

Every character in the book has an alias, and you'd think this'd be a little confusing but it isn't. People are able to be two things at once, and rather than make this liminal space off-limits to the reader, Postupack invites you to inhabit it with Daphne and her assassin cat, Noodles. It's easy to do because the narrator is operating under the assumption that we all contain multitudes.

Like Schrödinger's cat, we're alive and dead at the same time, but rather than keep that proverbial box closed, Postupack spends his time ripping the tops off them like Cracker Jack boxes looking for prizes. Sometimes there's a prize, and sometimes you get a dead cat, but the courage to keep opening them is something worth celebrating, and I think Kevin Postupack's novel does that with aplomb.

Live Nude Girls is sexy without being crude, deep without being preachy, and hilarious without being corny. Those are all hard balancing acts.

There's even a Nazi-hunter, a self-declared goddess/restaurateur, and a Cuban strip-club-owner who claims to have prescient visions. The name of the strip club? Pandora's. You can't help but open that one.

---

Prometheus could see the future, and Epimetheus could see the past. Epimetheus is often called the "foolish brother" but how could he be? Wouldn't an accurate and crystal clear remembrance of the past endow you with great wisdom? Wouldn't you almost be able to predict the future based on the events of the past? After all, that's how statistics work.

Anyway, the box: It was given to Pandora as a dowry after Hephaestus built her with beauty and cunning. But it was Zeus's plan to unleash plagues onto man via her box to take them down a notch. They'd recently been blessed with agriculture and fire. So out of her jar came disease and famine and hard work and all the other evil fates that befall men. . . but only one is mentioned by name. Elpis, hid under the lid, claiming instead to be the only palliative to assuage the plight of man. Elpis means Hope.

But I think Elpis was simply the most clever of the fates, endeavoring to stay close to us in order to inflict the most constant, enduring pain of all.

The Stuff of Nightmares

Chef Arshad is convinced Von Hagens is out there Berking people in order to obtain subjects for his art. It truly is the stuff of nightmares, but there is something in his work that is undeniably thought-provoking and interesting, something more than just a macabre attraction.

I went to an exhibition of Body Worlds Koerperwelten in Germany many years ago and was astonished and fascinated. It's a remarkable feat to plasticize and and arrange corpses into sometimes beautiful poses for eternity.

I also went to the permanent exhibit inside Luxor. It's worth checking out if you're in Vegas. I'm always curious how the artists get these bodies. I'm guessing most people are like Arshad and think they're murder victims. I doubt that. Most are donated by the people while they're alive, supposedly. (bwahahahahaha)

The corpses in sexual positions are particularly bizarre and haunting. They're challenging, as all artistic endeavors pushing the outside of our sexual more envelopes are. And if art is supposed to be dangerous and thought-provoking, Body Worlds and works like it definitely delivers.

Here's a cool article about it.

Tilted Kilt Cometh

They're opening a Tilted Kilt in Harrisonburg in a few weeks. Can you believe it? I'm sure it'll be a huge success. I've always wondered why there wasn't a Hooters or some other Breastaurant in the area. Finally, there's one right around the corner.

Everyone loves young women in skimpy clothing serving them greasy pub food and beer right? I'll probably stop in and have a pint. According to their online menu, they don't seem very vegetarian-friendly. But they are very beer-friendly. I hope corporate lets them put some local beers on tap.

Apparently there are 70 different locations around America. I have only known the one in Vegas. It's kind of like a Hooters with an Irish/Scottish theme. Kind of school-girl, too.

Their website encourages you to join the Kilt Clan, which is a little unfortunate in the south. But most people don't look at things the way I do.

If you see me at Tilted Kilt, say hello and I'll buy you a beer.