Saturday, March 21, 2009

Days of Darkness

You know what happens to those huge structures on tops of mountains that have big microwave receivers on them and tons of antennae? They become the settings of zombie movies, of course.

While camping, this one dude tries to get into his virginal GF's panties, but no dice--she wants to wait. She won't even drink a little champagne! A comet burns up in the Earth's atmosphere and rudely leaves its dust everywhere. Then zombies come out of nowhere and start biting chumps.

The opening zombie scene is brutal and exciting and makes you think, "hold the phone; is this going to be incredible?" But it gets pretty heavy-handed and lame. If it weren't for the excruciating gore, it would be crap.

See, people are zombies because they have aliens living in their sexual organs that are growing fast! You won't find out why many of them are zombie/alien free until the very end, when some seriously sick shit starts going down.
The reluctant abstaining-from-sex hero has to cut open testicles with a pocket knife to investigate and finds homunculus-looking creatures that get bigger and attack. It's all quite gruesome, but the finale is even more so.

The story attempts to do some choir-preaching with a gay tough-guy, a porn actress mother, a Christian zealot hypocrite, pregnant virgins, a strong leading woman, and a big fat republican guy with a gun. It's all a little too obvious for the movie it started out being.

As far as zombie movies go, this is a really good one to laugh and squirm with, but the opening close call with the zombies sets standards high. So, it kind of nukes the fridge a little early.

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