Star Trek Discovery: Michael Burnham Needs a Sense of Humor

STAR TREK CAN STILL BE FUNNY

SPOILERS

In the episode What's Past is Prologue, we get a mixed bag when it comes to story-telling.

There's a ton of awesome action sequences with the rebels' weapons turning people in to vapor and the Empire felling rebels with one hit. A couple surprising head shots sneak in there, and Michelle Yeoh finally gets to open a can of whoop-ass with some martial arts and sword through Lorca's heart through his back. That sword was a Chekhovian pistol for a few episodes now, so that was satisfying.

I love that the rebels are as bad as the Empire in this series. Our Star Fleet heroes are stuck in a war where both sides are crap. What about the war they're fighting back home? 

And throwing Lorca into the Moon Door a la the GOT Eyrie was pretty great too, as he disintegrated in the fall. What a way for a captain to eat it!

Speaking of eating it, the cannibalism/animal rights sequence was kind of intense and perfectly suited for Star Trek. I've always loved that Star Trek asks interesting questions about what it is to be human when we are far away from Earth. 

There was a lot to love about the last few episodes. But I think there was something severely lacking: Humor.

There was a stretch where all the beats were off that could have used some humor to help it, too. When they're tracking Burnham through the communications link she's using, she pulls out a bit of fiber optic cable, and just when they think they've got her, they say she'd rerouted blah blah blah, so they can't find her. I feel like Lorca could have said something there. "Clever girl"? "Resourceful little bitch"? "She always was a slippery one"? Any of these could have worked with his character and would have been hilarious. 

And the writers seem to get this in other parts. It's very funny that they're all talking about not believing in no-win scenarios in their ridiculous conundrum. Of course this is because the Kobayashi Maru hack Kirk pulls off and the switcharoo he uses to trick Kahn haven't happened yet. Did Kirk meet Commander Saru? I hope so!!!

The worst beat was when Michael manages to hack into the communications network and contact Discovery and she's told the entire multiverse, all of existence, "life as we know it" is about to end if they're not successful. And she just stares.

She could have said "those are some high fucking stakes" or "is that all?" or "I guess we better hope this shit works" or "if we do fail, at least no one will know." Anything! There would be some substantial gallows humor when it comes to something as dire as this. And they've already shown they're not afraid of a little cursing.

Anyway, I love this show. It's so much better than what's happening in the Star Wars universe. It's opening itself up to some really cool story-telling opportunities, but I hate it when they miss those opportunities, too. I mean Why So SERIOUSSS?!

SHUT UP WESLEY!

The White Maggot Story

Googled "sexy white maggot"

I know everyone who tells a story like this makes themselves out to be the perfectly rational one in the scenario. But I think anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant, especially as a manager, has stories like this one. Bear in mind, a manager's job is to remain calm.

We had a party of 18 come in and buy a bunch of birthday desserts at the end of their meal. We didn't normally sing to birthday people, but someone thought it'd be funny to make Gerardo put on a little sombrero and sing happy birthday. Gerardo had only been there for a week and was a shy guy, so I thought it'd be funny; after all, the group had a huge bill. I couldn't let him go it alone, so I put on a lucha libre mask, and Gerardo put on a little sombrero, and we sang happy birthday to the table whilst delivering four giant desserts.

Back in the kitchen, a server told me a guest was being very rude to her saying she wanted me to sing happy birthday. I sent out a free dessert and asked the server to kindly tell her that we don't normally sing and the masked man has left the building, but her birthday dessert was on us.

We got a little rush in business just then and I forgot about it, but a bit later the same server said someone wanted to speak with me. So I dropped everything and went out to the table.

"Hi ladies, my name's Sky; how's everything going?" I said in my nicest voice possible.
"Well, the service was great, the food was good, but you're a fucking ass hole."
One lady was eating the dessert I'd sent out. Their meals were in to-go bags. They'd already settled their tab. She just wanted to curse me out.
"What happened, what's going on?" I ignored the insult to figure out why she would be so rude.
"You didn't sing to my friend!"
"Oh," I smiled, "that's not normally something we do, we were just playing a joke on the new guy. I'm sorry we didn't sing. I can sing for you right now if you'd like."
"I don't want anything from you!"
"Maybe I can look at your tab and take something off."
"I don't want anything for free!"
"I did send out a free dessert for your friend's birthday."
"We had to wait forever for it."
"Ma'am, I'd really like to fix the problem, but I don't know how I can do that. You don't like the free dessert, you won't let me reopen your tab, and you don't want me to sing."
That's when the birthday girl put down her spoon and said "You're the fucking manager, you ain't got no fucking skills."
Too which I said, "well you're obviously a classy lady that doesn't have the time for the likes of me, so I'll say thank you and I'm sorry your experience wasn't what you wanted. Happy birthday," and I walked away. I really thought that was my only option: remain calm and polite and walk away.

I posted up at the host stand because people who go nuts on the manager usually like screaming at the hosts, and I hate that. What do you seek to gain by yelling at an 18-year-old girl who has nothing to do with you?

First the ladies went to the bar and said something about how I think I can treat them any kind of way because of who's president. The bartender just nodded in that scared way service people nod when people have gone psycho.

Then someone was at the front door, so I opened it for them. They walked in and when I looked over my shoulder the ladies were RIGHT BEHIND ME. So I smiled, held the door, and said "have a great night."

The first lady walked through without a word, but the second started hollering at me. "I ain't walking through no door held by you. Fuck you peasant mother fucker. Fucking white maggot. I'll beat your white ass."

"Ma'am, please just go. Your night gets better the second you leave. Have a great night."
"Fuck you maggot. Get out of my way."

So I asked her friend to hold the door and got out of the way. But that wasn't enough.

"Fucking maggot. Get outta here."
"Ma'am, that's not how this works. You're the one who has to leave, and I'm the one who has to stay. I live here. Please just have a great night."

She had her back to her friend and the front door and kept screaming "white maggot." And I kept saying "Have a great night." The whole restaurant was staring. Later, many of them would console me, including three black dudes who apologized on behalf of black people, a first in my life. I've apologized for racist white ass holes many times in my life, but I'd never been on the receiving end of that weird apology.

Then the lady crossed the line, and I almost lost it. She said, "you support Donald Trump and think that gives you all the power!"

"Lady, if you don't leave I'm calling the police. I might be a white maggot, but I'm no fucking Trump supporter. Now GET OUT!"

---

The lady called corporate the next day saying she had other problems in life and that I egged her on. I told corporate I would have taken care of their meal and sung to them even after they called me a fucking ass hole, but when you start off calling someone a fucking ass hole, there's not a lot of places that conversation can go.

She wanted to abuse someone, and there I was. But she would have had a much better night if she had just a tiniest collection of manners at her disposal.