Altered Carbon on Netflix

FINALLY A NEW SCIENCE FICTION SHOW WORTH WATCHING

Yes I know this came from a book series. And I know it's a little derivative, paying homage to Blade Runner and other Noir detective fiction. And I know it exists in a well-established genre of cyberpunk. But can't we just rejoice in the fact that Netflix pulled off something no one's done in a long time: an original sci-fi concept  pushing all the right buttons while simultaneously pushing some boundaries.

I've maintained that a good TV show is essentially beautiful people in dangerous situations wrapped up in an episodic arch that connects to a larger whole (season). Altered Carbon does this in spades. Beautiful people? Check! We've even fit some nudity in there. Violent situations? Check! We spent so much money on gore effects some of our CGI cars look a bit wonky. Story arch? CHECK! We get well-encapsulated stories that build on one another until they come to a tightly satisfying ending even your English professor would be stoked about.

There's even a scene in which a beautiful woman kills fifty naked clones of another sexy woman as they come alive attack her. It's creepy, sexy, violent, and creative.

Altered Carbon sells us a universe with as little exposition as possible and trusts its audience to go along for the ride and figure it out as we go. There are a couple clunky lines in there, but who cares? We're having fun piecing it all together. And even when the show introduces a good soldier vs. bad soldier scenario, we at least have some motives in play. And that's hugely refreshing. The terrorists might be the good guys, or they might not be; you decide! 

I still don't know why the Star Wars Empire is going around blowing up planets? Tax collection?

NO CHOSEN ONE!!! NO PROPHECY!!! They could have gone down that road for expediency, but instead they put characters and events in motion creating a protagonist worth following around. I'm so sick of Harry Potters and Luke Skywalkers and Alices and Neos ad nauseam. It's cheap story-telling, and we'll have none of it here. Instead we get women of agency and men who aren't idiots and men playing women and even a black man playing an Asian woman playing a black man. That's Shakespearean!

Music. The music is fantastic in this thing. Two stand-outs were the More Human Than Human cover by Sune Rose Wagner and A Nyughatatlan's God's Gonna Cut You Down cover. There's a Nine Inch Nails song in there for measure, too. Check out this track list!

The plot moves dexterously through some big blink-and-you'll-miss-them points but still addresses some major themes. Obligation is a big one: Familial, friend, class, state loyalties are questioned and investigated. We get to ask what mortality is, what power is, and even what God is.

In the end we get to ask my favorite sci-fi question: What is it to be human?

OK! But is there anything you hated?

Yes. I hated this stupid tattoo Takeshi and Reileen had. This tired old symbol, Ouroboros, is the most boring, lamest symbol they drag out on TV. It's a dragon biting its own tail in the shape of an infinity loop, and it's featured heavily in the opening credits sequence. I rolled my eyes every time I saw it. It reminded me of Hemlock Grove, and this is leaps and bounds better than that early Netflix attempt. It's unneeded and loud.

The ending was a little rushed, but it was satisfying and didn't leave a ton of question marks like most science fiction does. Altered Carbon also plays by the rules of its own universe. There are some Chekhov's guns in there that seem a little elastic, but that's OK; they all pan out.

Over all, it's a wonderful new show. Aren't you tired of Disney trotting out more Marvel shit to see what sticks? Aren't you just a little bit bored by Star Wars by now? Doesn't the Pacific Rim sequel look ridiculous and stupid? This breath of fresh air is worth every moment spent watching it. 

Big Hands Means Big Sex Appeal

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE SAPIOSEXUAL, HUH?

Movies are so dumb I want to screw the top off  my skull, remove my brain, turn it off, and put it in the cup holder in the theater seat next to my phone.

People always talk about how big the human brain is. We're all so proud of our giant brains. How many stupid movies have been based on the idiotic premise "what if we could use 100% of our brains?" And then movies always show brains in massive vats so they look humongous. On TV medical dramas they always hold it with two big hands like it's the size of a baby. You could hold it with one hand, c'mon.

I've seen human brains—not that big!

I've always heard it's roughly the size of your two fists pushed together. So when everyone was talking about Trump's hands being tiny, and he and everyone else was thinking about his penis—gross—I was like, "oh no! His brains!" His fists are really little.

Women often have small hands, and boy do they love small hands/feet/dick jokes. They're always cracking wise about men's big feet or small hands and relating it to their members. But when you know about brain-fisting, all of a sudden not so funny.

I'm not saying all women have small brains (well I am, but as a joke). I don't honestly think big brains influence intelligence anyway. But I have noticed I've had to explain a lot movies to small-handed women.

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A lot of people call themselves sapiosexuals and still get with morons. Maybe it's because a lot of self-proclaimed sapiosexuals are the same people who make shoe size dick jokes and think it passes for wit.

It's much more fun to think that a man with big hands has a big heart (supposedly the size of one fist) and big brains (two fists). You could see a man with big hands and say you're turned on by big-hearted, big brained men. And it works for men, too. If a lady has long fingers, she's got bigger fists, right?