Snoopy Museum Tokyo

SNOOPY MUSEUM TOKYO

You're speaking Japanese Charlie Brown

The Peanuts are a part of the American experience. It has helped shaped almost everyone born in the last century, and maybe it will continue to, but who knows? When my friend who is really into Snoopy told me she wished she could go with me to Japan so she could go to the Snoopy Museum, I felt I had to go out of obligation. I doubted whether I would enjoy it since I didn't consider myself a huge fan who needed to make the trek to another museum about another comic, but I remember how much I loved seeing the Tin Tin museum in Europe years ago, and figured I'd give it a go. I'm glad I did.

A little surprise twist pulling the exhibit together

The Snoopy Museum is one of the most heart-string-pullingest exhibits I've ever seen. It's called Love is Wonderful, and it dives deep into the relationships between the characters of Charles Shulz's famous comic strip. It becomes aparent that it could also have been called Love is a Toturous Beast Forcing You to Die Alone. But it saves you from that with cute imagery and real hand-drawn comics and an incredible layout. There's a part when you turn a corner and realize there are cuts in the walls that frame a picture of Shulz and his sweetheart, an image you walk past in the beginning, so you're looking back on a love story in someone else's life much like you do in your own, and contemplate how his experiences colored his iconic work.

It gave me goosebumps.

Gift shop totally packed

They even have a kite-eating tree

Snoopy through the ages

You're a foodtruck Charlie Brown

What to Say to Conservatives: Lucus a non Lucendo

lükəˌsā¦nänlüˈsenˌdō
IS HOW YOU SAY MY NEW FAVORITE LATIN PHRASE

Ladies think it's sexy when you speak Latin

I have a friend that says the same thing every time Donald Trump comes up: "I read an article about the net-worths of presidents and it said that Obama made all his money because of his presidency and that Clinton was almost broke before he became president, and now he's rich, and Trump hasn't made a dime being president.

Of course it isn't true, but what does it have to do with anything? Both Dem presidents were in office for eight years and had very lucrative book deals. Both were also civil servants before taking the highest office. Also, why are we talking about this when we were just talking about Russia?!?!!?

LUCUS A NON LUCENDO!!!!

Lucus a non lucendo literally means it's not a dark grove in that it is not lighted. It's an absurd little joke because grove is called lucus only because there's no light there, but lucus looks like it's related to the word lucere (to shine). It's related to parum luceat, meaning it doesn't shine being darkened by shade.

HOW CAN I USE THIS TERM?

Well, you can use it in place of non sequitur if you want and don't mind spell check putting red lines under lucus a non lucendo. Or you can use it for any absurdity. You can use it place of bullshit and make yourself sound super smart. I think you can also use in place of oxymoron, but I can't find anything online that will tell me that's actually acceptable, but who cares? It's Latin. You can do whatever you want to do with it when speaking English.

But I'm going to scream it every time we're talking about Donald Trump and someone says "what about Hillary Clinton?"

I'm going to scream it every time someone says "All lives matter" when we're talking about Black Lives Matter

I'm going to scream it at "Fake News."

And any time someone says something about how it's snowing so there's no such thing as humans affecting the climate, I'm gonna whip it out:

Lucus a non lucendo.

Right now it's on Merriam-Webster's bottom 20% in popularity. I'm going to bring that number up!

What's a Mangina?

IN DEFENSE OF JAMES BOND

Guest blog by Kevin Kunundrum

I'm tired of dreadlocked Millennial Manginas making videos to meet Social Justice Warrior women under the guise of declaring how terrible men are. And I love when they speak for all men and apologize on our behalf. Do they think by condemning men en masse, they’ll appear all sensitive and sanctified to Feminists?

I see through you, Manginas! Babbling whiningly at length about men's oppression, blah-blah-blah, and chanting the new catch-phrase: 'Toxic Masculinity' 

O, to be an evil Man, the wellspring of all that is bad, the oppressor of all that is good.

I try to ignore them, but now they're Bond bashing!

Behold the usual Bond-bashing boilerplate. "James Bond is a misogynist Neanderthal alcoholic murderer who flees from his own feelings and uses women as disposable playthings for his own amusement, etcetera..." Sure, James Bond's an easy target, from a superficial point of view. So let us for a moment, examine James Bond in depth, the real Double-O-Seven... 

James Bond was conceived in a World War, with bombs raining down on Britain. According to Ian Fleming, he had a traumatic childhood. Orphaned at eleven, he went to live with his aunt in the small English village of Pett Bottom. If you don't find that hilarious, you'll be among the first to go in the coming Apocalypse. Learn to laugh, dear friends...  

So Bond is an only-child-orphan-introvert, which means he can become one of three things: a serial killer, a poet, or a secret agent. And he chooses secret agent. And what does this mean? He decides to live his life for the greater good, the greater good being England. And this used to be part and parcel of coming of age, the notion that you go into the service to give something back. That's why they call it the service!

This is how Britain withstood the Nazis when the firebombs set London ablaze. When the blackest of evils was right across the Channel, the people gave their all, out of sacrifice and selfless obligation. But James Bond takes it a step further. He doesn't just sign up for a stint, two years and out. He's in it for the long haul. And it's not as some desk-bound bureaucrat, home by 5 for G&Ts... No, Mr. Bond does the heavy lifting. He ventures where no one wants to go, where the shit is always headed for the fan.

And he doesn't just save a few people or even England, but more times than not, the world!

How 'bout you, dreadlocked Mangina? How many times have you saved anything?

When 400,000 men are stranded at Dunkirk, you don't whine. You get in your boat, whatever it is, and you sail out. And you fight the freaking Nazis for six long years and you see things and do things that scar you forever. But it's for England, the world, and the children unborn. Talk about sacrifice! And you silently endure because those that don't know will never know, and those that do, know it all too well. We can't tailor-make our life to be rid of rough edges. The rough edges are there precisely so that we can become our best or our worst. It's not easy to heed the call. It's when we find what we're made of. And some of us, sadly, come up short.

And what does James Bond do? His courage and mettle are constantly tested. His loyalty, his steadfastness, his ingenuity, his humanity. He's given the worst tasks where he must do things most never imagine. And because of this, his life is measured not in decades or years but in days. Sometimes, hours and minutes. Imagine if you knew that you could be dead tomorrow. You might enjoy that drink tonight. You might savor that woman. But you know there's no future in it because you have no future. That's a given. You've accepted it. 

And what do these women see when James Bond appears? A man with the confidence that stems from confronting humanity's darkness. Someone who faces death and defeat and who somehow surmounts it. And as things crash around them with death racing forward, James Bond calmly, collectedly figures it out and saves the day. Who wouldn't find this attractive?

He's someone who will always have your back. Who will never give up. But unlike Mr. Mangina who uses exalted rhetoric as a ploy to get laid, James Bond says very little.  And when he has a brief respite he enjoys it fully because he knows more than most the measure of life. As Bond says to 'M' in Casino Royale, 'So you want me to be half-monk, half-hitman'... But he's more than just a blunt instrument. He's a 'sin-eater' who takes in the darkness for the benefit of all.

Courage, fortitude, loyalty, authenticity. These are Bond's currency. And he is nothing if not authentic. He's always himself, never anyone else, and you can depend on this. It's one of the rarest things in a world in which you can depend on practically nothing.

Star Trek Discovery: Michael Burnham Needs a Sense of Humor

STAR TREK CAN STILL BE FUNNY

SPOILERS

In the episode What's Past is Prologue, we get a mixed bag when it comes to story-telling.

There's a ton of awesome action sequences with the rebels' weapons turning people in to vapor and the Empire felling rebels with one hit. A couple surprising head shots sneak in there, and Michelle Yeoh finally gets to open a can of whoop-ass with some martial arts and sword through Lorca's heart through his back. That sword was a Chekhovian pistol for a few episodes now, so that was satisfying.

I love that the rebels are as bad as the Empire in this series. Our Star Fleet heroes are stuck in a war where both sides are crap. What about the war they're fighting back home? 

And throwing Lorca into the Moon Door a la the GOT Eyrie was pretty great too, as he disintegrated in the fall. What a way for a captain to eat it!

Speaking of eating it, the cannibalism/animal rights sequence was kind of intense and perfectly suited for Star Trek. I've always loved that Star Trek asks interesting questions about what it is to be human when we are far away from Earth. 

There was a lot to love about the last few episodes. But I think there was something severely lacking: Humor.

There was a stretch where all the beats were off that could have used some humor to help it, too. When they're tracking Burnham through the communications link she's using, she pulls out a bit of fiber optic cable, and just when they think they've got her, they say she'd rerouted blah blah blah, so they can't find her. I feel like Lorca could have said something there. "Clever girl"? "Resourceful little bitch"? "She always was a slippery one"? Any of these could have worked with his character and would have been hilarious. 

And the writers seem to get this in other parts. It's very funny that they're all talking about not believing in no-win scenarios in their ridiculous conundrum. Of course this is because the Kobayashi Maru hack Kirk pulls off and the switcharoo he uses to trick Kahn haven't happened yet. Did Kirk meet Commander Saru? I hope so!!!

The worst beat was when Michael manages to hack into the communications network and contact Discovery and she's told the entire multiverse, all of existence, "life as we know it" is about to end if they're not successful. And she just stares.

She could have said "those are some high fucking stakes" or "is that all?" or "I guess we better hope this shit works" or "if we do fail, at least no one will know." Anything! There would be some substantial gallows humor when it comes to something as dire as this. And they've already shown they're not afraid of a little cursing.

Anyway, I love this show. It's so much better than what's happening in the Star Wars universe. It's opening itself up to some really cool story-telling opportunities, but I hate it when they miss those opportunities, too. I mean Why So SERIOUSSS?!

SHUT UP WESLEY!

Big Hands Means Big Sex Appeal

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE SAPIOSEXUAL, HUH?

Movies are so dumb I want to screw the top off  my skull, remove my brain, turn it off, and put it in the cup holder in the theater seat next to my phone.

People always talk about how big the human brain is. We're all so proud of our giant brains. How many stupid movies have been based on the idiotic premise "what if we could use 100% of our brains?" And then movies always show brains in massive vats so they look humongous. On TV medical dramas they always hold it with two big hands like it's the size of a baby. You could hold it with one hand, c'mon.

I've seen human brains—not that big!

I've always heard it's roughly the size of your two fists pushed together. So when everyone was talking about Trump's hands being tiny, and he and everyone else was thinking about his penis—gross—I was like, "oh no! His brains!" His fists are really little.

Women often have small hands, and boy do they love small hands/feet/dick jokes. They're always cracking wise about men's big feet or small hands and relating it to their members. But when you know about brain-fisting, all of a sudden not so funny.

I'm not saying all women have small brains (well I am, but as a joke). I don't honestly think big brains influence intelligence anyway. But I have noticed I've had to explain a lot movies to small-handed women.

---

A lot of people call themselves sapiosexuals and still get with morons. Maybe it's because a lot of self-proclaimed sapiosexuals are the same people who make shoe size dick jokes and think it passes for wit.

It's much more fun to think that a man with big hands has a big heart (supposedly the size of one fist) and big brains (two fists). You could see a man with big hands and say you're turned on by big-hearted, big brained men. And it works for men, too. If a lady has long fingers, she's got bigger fists, right?

Have You Seen Top Five?

Let's face it: most comedies suck. I mean, they might make us laugh, but most of them appeal to our basest tastes, filled with dick jokes and gross-out humor. There's a little of that in Top Five, but at least it has a heart, and it's charming as can be.

Remember Adam Sandler's Funny People? It's kind of like that except it's also a romantic comedy. And it feels realer in a lot of ways. Alcoholism plays a major role in the film, and it's a fair depiction of the fight against addiction, I'd say. There's some weird butt jokes that seem weirdly sex-negative and even homophobic, but it plays because the characters have all sorts of hang ups. The characters are good depictions of the contradictory efforts of Americans. "I don't care what Michelle Obama says; fry or die." Chris Rock's Andre Alan wants to be famous but only for the right things. He wants to be brave, but he's afraid to do almost anything he's already loved for. Rosario Dawson falls for duplicitous men but is a duplicitous man (it's a spoiler if I say more). Rock is surrounded by friends who want to save him but also say he's only funny when he's drunk. I'm a giant fan of contradictions within people and our culture. This film explores that.

There's even a scene where Rock pays to jump rope with kids in the street but is too afraid to jump in. Rosario ends up jumping in for him, launching her character dangerously close to MPDG territory, but she never ends up quite so manic or quite so pixie to go all in and lose the verisimilitude.

The title refers to an in-joke that owes its roots undeniably to High Fidelity (the book--let's forget the movie, shall we?). It's an answer to the question "what are your top five hip-hop musical acts?" Even Jerry Seinfeld gets his answer in with a credits cut scene.

When Adam Sandler, Whoopie Goldberg, Jerry Seinfeld, and Chris Rock are all at a strip club chatting about marriage, I just wanted a whole movie of that. In fact, I wish Robin Williams and Billy Crystal were with them. There's also a part on a subway or bus where Rock is talking about his favorite comics, saying he wished he hung out Bill Murray and could talk about him like they were friends. Seriously, there are gems all over this flick that make it rewatchable and just a down-right charmer, scenes that leave you wanting more. That's hard for a writer to do, and Chris Rock does it with casual grace.

Comedy doesn't come like this enough. This film points boldly at what the genre could offer. And I'd even go so far as to say that it shows us what a multi-cultural cast could do for our culture. This isn't a black movie or a white movie. This is an American movie, and I love it for that. In Jerry Lewis's book, he says he always wanted what Chaplin had: Pathos. He wanted to be able to tug at your heart with comedy, maybe even make you cry. Who would think Chris Rock would have it?

And if that's not enough, DMX has a cameo that is as funny as anything you'll see this year. Brilliant stuff.

If you haven't seen it, please do so in the cinema. Your dollar is your vote for more of this.

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This is the second beautiful comeback I've noticed this year. Maybe there are more. Let me know if you can think of one in the comments. I'm thinking of John Wick here. Is Sandler going to come out with something decent out of nowhere? Are we finally in a decade with good movies again? Are the studios finally as desperate as they were in the 70's and are beginning to allow our auteurs a little freedom? Let's hope so!

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My top five:

• Tupac Shakur
• Beastie Boys
• The Fugees
• Busta Rhymes
• Ice Cube