Sunday, January 28, 2018

Big Hands Means Big Sex Appeal


Movies are so dumb I want to screw the top off  my skull, remove my brain, turn it off, and put it in the cup holder in the theater seat next to my phone.

People always talk about how big the human brain is. We're all so proud of our giant brains. How many stupid movies have been based on the idiotic premise "what if we could use 100% of our brains?" And then movies always show brains in massive vats so they look humongous. On TV medical dramas they always hold it with two big hands like it's the size of a baby. You could hold it with one hand, c'mon.

I've seen human brains—not that big!

I've always heard it's roughly the size of your two fists pushed together. So when everyone was talking about Trump's hands being tiny, and he and everyone else was thinking about his penisgross—I was like, "oh no! His brains!" His fists are really little.

Women often have small hands, and boy do they love small hands/feet/dick jokes. They're always cracking wise about men's big feet or small hands and relating it to their members. But when you know about brain-fisting, all of a sudden not so funny.

I'm not saying all women have small brains (well I am, but as a joke). I don't honestly think big brains influence intelligence anyway. But I have noticed I've had to explain a lot movies to small-handed women.

A lot of people call themselves sapiosexuals and still get with morons. Maybe it's because a lot of self-proclaimed sapiosexuals are the same people who make shoe size dick jokes and think it passes for wit.

It's much more fun to think that a man with big hands has a big heart (supposedly the size of one fist) and big brains (two fists). You could see a man with big hands and say you're turned on by big-hearted, big brained men. And it works for men, too. If a lady has long fingers, she's got bigger fists, right?

1 comment:

Sky Jack Morgan said...

Doctors say that heroin users get big puffy hands, which is why "Big Hands I know you're the one" is in that Violent Femmes song, Blister in the sun. Big Hands is a term sometimes used for dealers. Do heroin users have bigger hearts than other kinds of drug dealers?