Yesterday I went to mansions because my friends Cameron and Jessica are living in one and had their cats stowed at another, and we had to get the cats from B to A. We put them in cardboard boxes and brought them in a car, which was kind of funny. Cats poking their heads out of boxes is like an image out of Norman Rockwell or something.
Both mansions are owned by the guy who owns Rasputin and Blondie's. I don't know his name, so when we talk about him, we just call him Rasputin. The first mansion has a game room filled with air hockey, pinball, and pool, and nerdcore models. It smelled like peppermint oil. Have you ever seen that show called "Silver Spoons" that was big in the eighties? The house reminded me of that. All hardwood floors. I pretended to be Ricky Schroeder and played the pinball games.
I probably will never be rich. I don't think I would like to have a ginormous house even if I were rich. I think I would like to have more friends who have giant houses, though, so I could pretend to be Richie Rich in their game rooms and wear wool socks and slide across the hardwood floors. I think I would also have a remote control car and a robot that could walk around those floors. I would bring them to my friends' mansions and let the robot walk around by itself. The robot would be three feet tall so that it would scare a dog but not a human. It would be able to recite every poem Jack Spicer ever wrote and know how to mix perfect Tanqueray and Tonics. It would also tell jokes and take pictures. It would say ""say cheeze." It would also know the answer to every stupid question people ask about being vegan so that I wouldn't have to answer them anymore.
At my house, it would live in the closet. The only time it would come out is when I went to my friends' mansions and to poetry readings. I think robots ride BART for free. It will introduce me to people and ask other people their names and remember them and tell me when I forget.
I will name it Tao Lin because I like that name and because Tao Lin is kind of short, though much taller than three feet, and because I think Tao would laugh about that. Maybe Tao Lin 3000. It would sometimes say funny things about hamsters or other small animals.
Also, I wish I could buy rights to Tao's new book. I wish I could buy half a share. I don't have 2000 dollars for shares in books, but I wish someone would want to split one with me.
People shit-talk a lot. Some people do it about Tao Lin, and when it happens I feel bad because it's much bigger and much more intense when it happens to him. When the police made me come into the station because of shit-talking Rae-Lyn Barnes, that was pretty intense, and when Suze Stein made that comment about people who like me being horrible people, that was pretty intense, but sometimes people who are not as easy to laugh at and dismiss say mean things about Tao that are untrue and stupid, and I don't understand it.
I am going to wear my Tao Lin shirt today.
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