Friday, March 5, 2010

Have you seen AGAINST THE DARK?

Have you seen Against the Dark?
Stephen Seagal killing Zompires? I'm in! Who wouldn't be?

You have to imagine how thrilled I was to hear that Steven Seagal had decided to go this way with his career. What could be cooler than Steven Seagal slaying zombies with a sword? Well, it turns out almost anything else. This thing was absolute crap.

Steven Seagal is bloated and bored. If you thought his other performances were uninspired, you ain't seen nothing. He's hardly in it anyway, though.
The other characters might have been cool if they'd been developed at all. When they die, you don't care at all. There's nothing interesting about them.
The thing's riddled with plot holes big enough for Mack Trucks. The MacGuffin Device is that the characters have to escape a hospital before the military blasts it with nukes. They all come in from different points, but there's only one way out somehow. For some reason Seagall really wants to save the people, and he's willing to let all his goth-chick slayer helpers die to do it. He's kind of sad when one of them dies, but it's too lame to really register. You never learn any of the slayers' names, I don't think.
The characters call the creatures vampires, but they basically act like zombies, and they're credited as such in the end credits. Is this just semantics? Nah. It's as if the nature of the creatures was an afterthought or maybe was changed when marketers decided that vampires were "in" this season. It's annoying and sloppy.

You'd think this would all be worth it if there were at least some kind of cool one-liner or catch phrase or just some good-ol'-fashioned Seagal comedy, but there's only one, and it's so ridiculous that the belly laugh just forces you to realize you're wasting your time.
I wish they'd gotten a real horror director who took the film too seriously. Accidental comedy would have been tolerable then. . . and there needs to be a couple genuine scares here. There are none. Yawn

Check out this preview, it's much more exciting than the film itself:

No comments: