Monday, July 28, 2008

Coming O-U-T!

I am going to come out about two things.
This evening I spent around four hours at Oakland International Airport. I still like Oakland International Airport.
My flight was canceled, which meant that I was kind of screwed., but then it was miraculously reinstated. And when the plane came in, my salvation, it was out of order. It canceled again. I was not going to make it to D.C. when I thought I would.
Things like that happen when you travel. I travel a lot. The best thing to do is keep smiling. The people whose job it is to figure your shit out will appreciate it and do things for you that you will appreciate. And that is the first thing I am coming out about: I am not as much an ass hole as I pretend to be on the internet.
The internet is where I am hyper critical and where I vent my frustration with the world and where I condemn poets and poetry that I think is ruining my life.
The people at the airport yelled to one another how good a sport I was. They called me sweetheart and awesome and asked me how I kept smiling when everything sucked. I had many air travel problems this evening, and I ended up meeting everyone in the ground crew I could possibly meet, and we were somehow instant friends.

This is going to be a long post, so I won't talk about how that all happened, but I was convinced tonight more than ever that I am better than my bitterest enemies, and I feel good about it.

Then I went for a drink in Oakland.
There was a crying woman there. She said all men are ass holes and that she didn't believe in love. I told her it was easy to give up and say such things. It's easy to generalize, but smart people resist that temptation. I told her how I sometimes want to give up and how I often have negative feelings about people in general.

I often think that women hate men. No one ever tries to talk them out of it. Their mothers and fathers tell them how horrible men are, and men (like women) get frustrated and angry and make it look like we are all crazy/stupid/ass holes. But the opposite is true: people are good. If they weren't, there would be no money or government or telephones or radios or glass or electric lights; we would be living alone in caves without hope. And there's no reason to live without hope. Contrary to the evidence at hand, we usually think the worst of each other. If you think you're good, why would you thing that other people are bad?

And the second thing I am coming out about is hope. I believe in hope more than anything else, and I know it's cheese and lame to the jaded American businessman and woman scorned, and OK. That's fine. But they are wrong. There's always room for sincerity and truth and loyalty and honesty and courage. I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by the people you trust most. People betray me often because I give them too much of myself, but even after all the pain, I think I am still living the good life. It's not the easiest life, but it's a good one, and I like it. It's a building that isn't pretty from every angle, but it's strong and beautiful as a whole because it's built from scar tissue on a foundation of honesty.

I joined eHarmony to see if someone felt the same way I do about life and love. I have a hard time connecting with American women, but I'm not going to give up. I decided one night to play a more active role when it comes to finding love. My jury is still out on eHarmony, but I will tell you all how it goes. I am sure some of you are scoffing right now. But the small-town courtship rules and rituals of America are completely empty to me, and I think that they are bullshit. And I am adventurous and like to try new things, so why not?

I miss the way it feels to love someone, and I forget the way it feels to be beloved. I wonder all the time if anyone has ever loved me. I wrestle with the idea of being beloved and how and why it happens and feels. I want that. I hope for that. And even though I am quite bitter and have been hurt and betrayed by women, I still like them. Human beings are much more varied than puzzle pieces; I can't hate women just because I haven't found a romantic counterpart that doesn't crush out my breath and my ribs.

One more thing.
If we give up and generalize genders, we are only lowering ourselves so that we have a shorter distance to fall when we do, and we will. But if you raise your hopes, you fly above the clouds and look down. It's scarier up there because you're high, and you know it. But it's exhilarating because of that, too. I feel like Americans are afraid to take risks now. Not all days are cloudy, not all animals bite, and not all women are malicious and evil.

Come on Americans! Life is supposed to be a bit scary! Stand on the bridge with me and look over. Even if we fall, that feeling will be worth it. How soft is a pit bull's coat? How warm is a day after the marine layer burns away? When we blanket people with one sentiment, we're giving up, and wahat good does that do? It hurts, life, but we don't have to be babies about it. There's a lot to be endured in life, and there's a little to be enjoyed, but the trade is worth it.

It really is worth it.
At least I hope it is.
And if it isn't, well even a train wreck can be beautiful and compelling.

3 comments:

LM Rivera said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack Morgan said...

Bad if you mean bad-ass.

LM Rivera said...
This comment has been removed by the author.