Friday, May 23, 2008
Bad Day , Good Weekend
Yesterday was a complete failure.
I grew up with people who called me stupid every day, and when I am made to feel stupid it upsets me. It is my weakest point. I always think that other people are smarter than I am.
You know how in Buddhism you're supposed to always imagine that everyone is enlightened except you? I don't really believe in enlightenment the way I did when thought I was a Buddhist, but usually I think that most people around me are more intelligent than I am.
What makes it worse is that I don't feel stupid. I feel like I should be smarter than other people; I work harder and people I respect call me genius when I'm not looking. But I can't escape what I always think is the reality: I am a phony who has duped everyone into thinking I'm smarter than I am.
I don't see what other people see in me. When someone compliments me I don't believe them until they've repeated it ten times or something. When someone insults me or makes me think they know something I don't, I totally believe it.
It's not absolute, but it's a feeling of constant self-doubt that is rather unpleasant. Yesterday, I felt like a moron all day and that my father was right all those times he called me "Polack" or "idiot." Like I don't belong where I am, and I conned my way into Berkeley, and I conned my way into a 4.0, and I conned my way into a degree. Like I conned my way into a blog readership, and I conned my way into friendships. Like a fake. I felt like that all day. It was a really bad day.
I am going to a couple readings tonight. One is somewhere far away, where I will see Jessica Cox. The other is close by, where I will see Chad Sweeney at Pegasus in Berkeley at 2349 Shattuck at 7:30. I hope to be filled with wine by then.
Have a nice weekend everybody.