Friday, March 7, 2008
Fuck Poetry; Let's Party!
Last night I did something out of character; I answered the phone on my birthday and went out with people. I might start celebrating my birthday again. I usually treat birthdays with a degree of odium reserved for nazis and other bigots. . . I mean to say I've hated them much.
But last night was good. I had three whole friends who wanted to take time out of their days to spend with me. Then, later, two friends took care of me when things went a bit late. It takes two grown men to guide a person my size home, and I am unable to drink like most people usually because of a constant awareness of the fact that I am large enough to make it nearly impossible for a solitary person to manage me.
Being large is not good. I always laugh and shake my head when people wish they were taller or bigger. Big people are lonely.
Spiders build their webs at a height they know is safe from the heads of passersby; I get hit every day right in my eyeballs. I have no fear of spiders because I have had a million on me at this point.
People like to say things like alpha male around me. I'm not sure anyone knows what that means. Or maybe I just don't know what that means.
Violence is something that follows big people around. I don't think anyone except other people built like me understand that.
See, if you're just tall, not one person will think of you as a threat. If you are just strong, people don't see it if you're short. But if you are normally built and very tall, you stand out in a crowd just enough. That means police love to fuck with you even if you're just standing near something and aren't actually doing anything. That means barkers want your attention. That means women notice you. Even when you feel ugly and useless, they notice. And short drunk men always seem to want to fight you when there are women around. Old rules barring women from places where men gather must have had this in mind. Short men only want to fight big people when there are women present. It's like an instant Napoleon.
Also, although women notice the big guys, American women are afraid of men and are even more afraid of big men. They'll tell you that they feel safe around guy your size, but it isn't true. The insecurity some men feel around you is the same insecurity every woman feels around you.
Poetry? The poetry scene is filled with quasi intellectual liberals. It's a business that rewards the mediocre. The best books don't get bought. The best poets go unheard and unread by the majority. It's a world filled with despicable cliques where you lose your identity in category. It's easy to place people into categories when it comes to poetry especially because most poets jump en masse onto such sinking ships. It's not the place you want to stand out. And there I am with a hanging head, ready for a whipping. When you're big, no one fails to notice your mistakes, and everyone searches for your shortcomings.
Anyway, tonight is my birthday adventure. It's called Cpt. Jack Morgan's Big Boat Birthday Bash Adventure: Cops, Robbers, Pirates, and Commodores. It's going to be a great deal of fun. There will be a lot of us. If you want to join up, be at Jack London Ferry Station at 6:30 PM sharp.
People will notice us.