Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Fan Mail


Dear Jack Morgan, You never tell us what you're doing anymore. Why not? I often use your blog to get ideas on things to do, but you haven't been putting it down, mang. Whassupwitdat?! Sincerely, Bored in the Bay

Dear Bored in the Bay,
I haven't been making this the one-stop calendar of events it used to be for the SF Bay Area anymore because I work really hard finding cool things to do, and to centralize that information is more work than I am willing to do now. So I only put events up that I think are particularly deserving of your attention. If you want a one-stop cool place to find cool things and people, try Eyeball Hatred. Clay's link page has pretty much everything you'll ever need to survive the cold nights.
If that's not what you meant, but actually meant that I don't tell you what I'm up to, well, I think I still do that. Yesterday I went to a class and talked in German for a while about German poetry. Most of the people in the class don't know anything about poetry, but they are all nice people. Then my exfiancee called me and spoke some more German to me. Can you believe that someone was dumb enough to get engaged with a poet? After that I went sailing. The weather is so beautiful now, I couldn't help but buy a membership to a sailing club. The membership is so cheap, you wouldn't believe the price if I told you, but it makes me feel rich... by rich I mean it makes me feel like I am living beyond my means and enjoying life much more than I deserve to. After that, I went to First and Last Chance Saloon, which is one of my favorite places on earth. I found out there that Uptown has a Burlesque show on Mondays. My friend Ryan and I went. We were still in sailing clothes, so we were the worst-dressed people there, but it was fun. I hadn't seen a burlesque show in a very long time, and that's a shame because they are very entertaining. You should go. It's only five smackers!
Yours,
Jack Morgan

Dear Jack Morgan, May I Pay you for a poster? What is the price? Signed, The Postal Service

Dear Postal Service,
I don't want to work the for the federal government, and I don't want to design wanted posters for you offices, I am near-sighted and psychopathic already. Normally I charge five hundred dollars, but poets get a discount or deal in trade. The federal government has to pay a penalty of 98%. All posters for the federal government will cost at least $980, and I want the Potsmaster General to go to a Burlesque show with me.
Yours,
Jack Morgan

Dear Jack Morgan, Why do you hate Kirk Cameron? Your friend, Kirk Cameron

Dear Kirk Cameron,
It's nothing that we can't sort out over a couple drinks. The problem is that you sometimes beat me when I google Jack Morgan. I don't beat you when people google Kirk Cameron, so what's the big idea? Besides, you're all evangelical now. You don't want to be associated with burlesque, poetry, lingerie, and other enjoyable things. Please write to IMDB and/or google, get them to change it, and I will buy you a glass of gin at First and Last Chance, Aubade lingerie (nothing but the best), and a ticket to Hubba Hubba Burlesque.
Yours,
Jack Morgan

Dear Jack Morgan, I am thinking about getting an MFA. How do you feel about MFA programs. Where did you get your MFA?
xxxooo,
Mom
P.S., people who don't like the lingerie pics are probably Republican swine.


Dear Mom,
I don't like MFA's, and I do not have one. It pains me that you think that I would waste my time networking in an MFA program. MFA programs are networking clubs. Nothing more. Please do not enroll in one or I will disown you as my mother.
Yours,
Jack Morgan
P.S., Americans have been taught for too long that the human body is ugly and that sex is the devil's work.

4 comments:

jen. said...

i like her underpants.

Jack Morgan said...

You know who loved Sexy underpants? Rimbaud. Aubade is the favorite lingerie brand of poets everywhere.

jen. said...

Rimbaud was indeed a fan of Sexy underpants. Just look at Verlaine. I'm sure he always had on classy, sexy underpants for Arthur.

Jack Morgan said...

They were both simply drop-dead sexy people made even more drop-dead sexy with Sexy underpants.